So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
True strength comes from lack of pants
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
