I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm sobbing to NWA
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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