why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
