The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
