splinters make it hard to masturbate
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
