What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
