break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just pynch a tree in the face
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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