Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
