o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
