Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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