I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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