I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
