my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
high people should be assigned attendants
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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