The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
