4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I stole a fireplace last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
