Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
