The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
