since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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