Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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