Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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