is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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