Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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