soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my poor anus
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
