So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
