1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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