I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
