based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
