needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
