the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
