answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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