Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
