dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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