Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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