Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
