and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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