I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
