Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
