Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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