i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
