if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
