I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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