The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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