It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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