Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
