Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
