How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
