I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
