I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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