Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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