i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
