I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
