You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
